I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
