I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Hippo gnu deer
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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