either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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