I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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