my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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