I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
