God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
