If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
