I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
