Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.