am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar