new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
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you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
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He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death