i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
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Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
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Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?