fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
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I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.