i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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