He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
