He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
