Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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