we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
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Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
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I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?