woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.