Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.