He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
