remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
