What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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