dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
