I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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