What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
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Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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