i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
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I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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