She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
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I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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