On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.