And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You took a bar mat shot.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
