I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
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I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
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I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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