This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
