Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize