Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Someone shit on the floor
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
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Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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