I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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