Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
