a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
