have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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