I wish I could teleport
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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