This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
