If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
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We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
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I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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