I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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