He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
