A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
