I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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