Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
