im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex