im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?