our cab driver is having phone sex.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?