If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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