Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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