Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
