we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
