He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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